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讨厌自己
还差最后一门考试,虽然需要等到6月5号
下午去看了达芬奇密码
果然我不适合用英文看这种片子……= =
然后买了lancome那个限量的唇蜜
涂上果然很水啊

很快那些考试结束的同学们都要回去了
我忽然开始讨厌晚上十点天还不黑的日子

讨厌自己_f0008157_1921335.jpg















就是那一点点懊恼的情绪无论如何都走不出去
我甚至开始痛恨跟这件事有关的所有人

其实
如果从一开始就没有奢望得到的话现在也不会这么难过
让人懊丧的是明明那么肯定的事情最后没有达成
当时决定放弃的时候还假装毫不在意的轻轻笑说觉得自己做了英明的决定

我知道
对于很多事来说这是小事情
我也很想自己就真的把它当作一件简单的小事情不放在心上

后来我才发现好像已经哭过很多次了

我 讨 厌 这 样

也该问自己得到了又会怎么样
对于我来说
diru是什么?
假话是,我爱的人
而事实其实
他们只不过是在我心里被我自己一点点用想象神化了的普通的陌生人
这只是一种心理疾病罢了

心理的爱无处发泄
于是只好自己创造一个所谓爱上了的人

我知道我现在的状态叫 语无伦次
我也很怕看到他们之后反而会加深那种畸形的感情

但是至少,在现在
我最大的愿望是能够在他们的故事没有结束之前尽可能多的
看到我的神
拿着吉他,站在舞台上

===================================

噢,不知道谁写的同人文继续……

You can't trust a dog PART 3

Now or never. Now or never. "I ... did something..." He leaned over and kissed my exposed neck gently as I probably knew he would. I moved my neck to dislodge him and said, "No, stop."

He groaned, pulling his face away and stated, "Don't do this to me now. I had a rough day. You were there, right?" I had been. Practice was horrible and he was easily irritated because he'd been up the night before working on... well, he never told me what it was.

He leaned to kiss me again but I pushed against his chest with both of my palms. "Please, this is hard enough." I was crying. I hated to cry in front of him, especially over something negative like this. Happy tears were fine... but this...

"Toshiya," he said breathlessly, obviously seeing my tears, "if this is something you can't keep bottled up, I suggest you tell me now."

I swallowed and made no move to clear my face of the salty tears or to face him. I shook my head, not believing myself. I had the nerve to cry. I ruined this. Me. Only me. "Please... just let me explain before you blow up, alright?" He must have known it was getting serious because his hold on my arms tightened briefly. I took a deep breath, letting my gaze fall on a small blue jewelry box on the dresser near the door and not moving it. "Three weeks ago, while you were away with Shinya for that interview, something happened between me and Die that you should know about."

He was silent. I knew he was trying to decide which unthinkable deed I had done. I wouldn't make him think about it much longer. "We went out drinking, and you know how I am, I just kept drinking and drinking and..." I paused to swallow again. "We went back to his apartment because neither of us could drive and we got to watching some movies. One thing led to another and when I woke up the next morning I was with him... in his bed..." I explained, purposefully keeping from him the part where the deed was initiated.

He didn't make a noise... I couldn't even hear him breathing and I was sure my own breath had stalled as well. I couldn't see him, I wouldn't see him, not with the way my head was turned and focused on the jewelry box. Just tell me, Kaoru, tell me to get out. Tell me to leave and that you'll pack my stuff for Kyo to pick up in the morning. Tell me you hate me. Tell me you despise the very sight of me. Tell me anything. Do something. Move!

"You slept with Die?" he asked in a low, dry voice. I nodded, the tears still sliding from my eyes in crooked trails down my cheeks. "Look at me," he demanded. I couldn't. I wouldn't. "I said look at me, dammit," he demanded again and reached out, grasping my chin tightly in his hand before making me face him. The eyes I found were hurt, hateful eyes. "You slept with Die?" he asked again, almost as if he didn't believe it.

I opened my mouth and gave him a simple "yes."

His jaw was set as he stared at me. "And you waited until now to tell me?"

"I couldn't..." I started but was cut off when he thrust upward into me roughly. I wanted it to hurt. I wanted him to take his anger out on me and hurt me. It's all I deserved.

"You couldn't what, Toshiya?" he growled slamming into me again, "You couldn't let me make love to you again knowing you'd been shared? You couldn't live with yourself knowing you'd betrayed me?" He continued his brutal assault but I couldn't hate the feeling. It was something I was too used to. I wanted to tell him to stop, to tell him that it wasn't having the effect he'd hoped for.

"Was it like this?" he asked, "Did he fuck you like this?"

"Kaoru..." I choked out, not allowing myself to cry for my broken trust anymore. I was low. Lower than low. I was a dog. A filthy dog.

"How then?" he stopped moving into me and stared at me, furious. I closed my eyes to destroy the sight of him, so angry, so broken. He leaned to me again and rested his head on my shoulder. I didn't move to hold him there. I knew he didn't want me to. His breathing was harsh and quick and I knew he was keeping at least most of his anger in. He loved me. He didn't want to hurt me. Slowly he lifted his hips to remove his length from my body, knowing this wasn't how it should be.

His shoulder shook with his sobs as the sound of his cries broke through the room. "Why?" he demanded.

I couldn't answer that. I honestly had no clue. "I don't know," I whispered through my tear-choked throat. And then I couldn't help it. I wrapped my arms around his form and held him to me as he shook. "I'm so sorry."

"I know you are," his muffled voice sounded. "I know you are. But it's not like you to do this. I thought you loved me. I thought I could trust you."

"I do love you," I said in a very low voice, "and you know that. We didn't plan for it to happen and it hasn't happened again since. It was a mistake."

"You bet your ass it was," he said roughly, his body shifting upward in what could have been either a scoff or a laugh but I wasn't sure which. "I... I don't know what to do..."

"Tell me to leave," I suggested, hoping against hope that he wouldn't take my advice on this.

He seemed to think this option over briefly. "I couldn't tell you to leave," he admitted. "Then I would be just as bad as you." He breathed out deeply and rose his head to look at me, "What did he say when he woke up?"

"I don't know," I shook my head. "When I woke up and saw where I was, I got out of there in hopes of him not remembering it happened and came back here."

"You haven't talked to him about it?"

"No."

He lowered his head again and coughed out a laugh. I wanted to smile with him but I refused to allow myself that pleasure. Not like this. "You are really something else, you know that?" I shook my head and sighed at his words. He looked up at me again, "What do you remember about it?"

"Don't ask me that," I spoke my thoughts out loud.

"I don't really think you're in the kind of position to deny me anything," he said strictly.

I sighed and told him, "I remember everything."

"Tell me." I looked at him as if he'd just told me he was suffering from a fatal illness. "Tell me," he repeated. I shook my head in denial and he repeated it once more. "You have to tell me."

"We were on the sofa after we got back, watching this really stupid comedy. He told me that I would have to sleep on the couch because he had a really small bed and it wasn't made for two people. I told him I really didn't mind and he left to get some extra blankets. So I started getting ready to sleep, you know, got a glass of water and took my shirt off and he came back and sort of stood there gawking at me. I was so drunk that I couldn't comprehend that I wasn't at home, that I couldn't go about the same habits as usual. He walked over and dropped the blankets to his feet, staring at me. I felt like an object, but I didn't care because I was an object of desire. It was like how you make me feel when you look at me. I guess that's why I didn't stop it once everything started."
by zheyi | 2006-05-25 21:06 | heart
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